A Pre-requisite for Marriage

Meditation needs to be a mandatory pre-requisite to getting married. I know it sounds insane. Most revolutionary ideas do – until they’re implemented on a large scale.

Think about it: marriage is kind of a wild institution. We decide to love this person today and commit to spending the rest of our lives with them. A future that doesn’t exist yet. A future we can’t see. A future where we don’t even know who we’ll be. That’s crazy!

It’s like agreeing to be lifelong duet partners – committing to sing a song together while our voices change with time, experience, and age.

Meditation isn’t a magic bullet, but it’s definitely one of the core skills needed to truly listen and respond. Without the ability to keep listening to our partner, we won’t have the information we need to adjust our singing style (yes, I’m sticking with the duet metaphor) or even choose a new song when the old one no longer fits.

Without the ability to respond with presence, we’re likely to get stuck in patterns of reactivity – just flinching and flailing at whatever life throws our way. And boy, does life throw things.

Even more importantly, meditation helps us maintain a relationship with our inner lives. Who am I today? What drives me? What pain am I carrying? How have I changed? Without this kind of self-awareness, we can’t show up in a relationship fully or authentically. We end up living someone else’s life, trying to sing someone else’s song – and wondering why it feels hard or empty.

Since my revolutionary idea of mandatory meditation isn’t law yet, I’ll settle for this: I invite you to start a small meditation practice. Maybe even try something with your partner as a shared activity. There are plenty of apps that offer free or low-cost introductory courses – Calm, Insight Timer, Sam Harris’s Waking Up. If one doesn’t resonate, try another. Some styles may suit you better than others. More important than what you choose is how: keep it short (5 minutes is great), consistent, and expectation-free.

Now, if the word meditation brings up thoughts like “I can’t sit still,” “My mind won’t shut up,” or “This isn’t for me,” I challenge you to consider: could those be the exact reasons why you need it?

I can’t summarize the entire scope of meditation in one sentence, but if I had to, I’d say: Meditation is any practice that helps you befriend your mind – with all its baggage, its jumping thoughts, its impulses and wildness. It’s not about suppressing your thoughts; it’s about learning to work with them.

And let’s be real: you don’t build muscle with one day at the gym. You don’t become an expert with one day in the field. You won’t get comfortable with meditation in just one day either.

But maybe, just maybe, it’s the best pre-marital training no one told us we needed.