Is This Really Your Life?

I’ve known for a long time that some people, such as myself, need to ask questions to understand rules and expectations better. We don’t sit neatly in common boxes and categories. But before starting my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, I didn’t have the language or context to explain this.

The truth is: our expectations of life are not created in isolation.

It’s actually a little unsettling. We rarely have a purely independent thought. Our beliefs, values, and expectations are shaped strongly by dominant narratives. These are the ways of living defined by society, culture, religion, country, social groups, race, and all the places we absorb messages without even noticing.

Try a quick thought experiment: bring to mind an image of a successful therapist in their office. You might see certain characteristics right away, such as clothes, décor, and mannerisms. For me, the image was always someone polite, graceful, and dressed in neutrals. But where does that come from? That is the dominant narrative of what a therapist is supposed to look and sound like, created by Western norms and reinforced by media.

One more: picture a truck driver. What gender did you imagine? And why?

Unpacking the dominant narratives that shape our choices helps us ask: Do I actually want what I think I want? Or have I unconsciously inherited that desire because society handed it to me?

I started asking these questions early. I realized I didn’t want kids. I don’t like rigid rules or expectations around behavior. I detest assigned seating at weddings. I feel suffocated by communities that are overly uniform and orderly. It all feels too sterile for me. These seemingly small things were actually clues, glimmers of my attempt to understand who made the rules for how life should be run.

Your outrage and confusion might be far more justified than mine, especially when mine is sparked by something as tiny as assigned seating. But try this: take something important in your life, such as your career or your marriage, and ask where the expectations in that area come from. What dominant narratives have shaped what you consider the right job or the right partnership?

From there, it is your choice. If you want more autonomy and want to challenge some of these narratives, there are therapists who create space for exactly that exploration. And if you realize you do like the narrative you have been following, that is great too.

Now you get to choose it consciously.

I am currently unlearning a lot of dominant Western narratives created largely by white culture. Even after 14 years in this country, I had not truly examined them, and I did not see how much they were influencing my decisions. That is a post for another day.

For now, I hope a part of you feels a little lit up by the idea of discovering who you are beyond the narratives you have inherited, because that part of you is the one reaching for a more authentic self.

So I leave you with - Is this really your life?

Disclaimer: The thoughts and reflections shared in this post are my personal opinions and experiences. They are not professional advice. For guidance regarding your personal, legal, or mental health decisions, please consult a qualified professional.