Grief is one of the most challenging emotions that people experience when they lose something or someone they cherish. We are never ever prepared for grief, especially over losing someone we love. Grief also comes in different shades:
Grief for lost dreams.
Grief for lost or changing relationships and friendships.
Grief over divorce.
Grief for the parts of our old selves that we want to change and try to let go.
Grief for seeing our health or the health of a loved one deteriorate.
Hardest of all, grief for losing a loved one.
Grief is sticky, hard, convoluted. It doesn’t have a consistent form of expression. We can’t go about telling people they’re grieving the ‘wrong way’ or the ‘right way’ or the ‘strong way’. There is no ONE way.
It’s one of those emotions that tears open our heart despite our attempts to guard it and maintain control. It can rip through us so that eventually, one day, we might let the light in.
But in the present, when it cuts like a chainsaw through our heart or rises as waves of emotion – it is challenging, dark and isolating.
Practices
It’s in times like this that we can seek guidance and solace from practices inspired by ancient wisdom. I think of these practices as a friend when we need to turn to someone. Before you start reading, remember that everyone’s definition of grief, and the journey through it, is different and unique.
Some of these practices might resonate with you and some might not – that’s perfectly okay. Some might not resonate today but might in the future. That’s okay too.
So, grab a comforting cup of tea and read along in this DeeplySimple space, which is welcoming, non-judgmental and loving – in any and all phases of your journey.
Many of these practices are close to my heart as I am myself navigating some big life changes.
1. Surrender:
Many of us start believing in a higher power when we’re faced with a situation that seems out of human control – a sudden demise, a terminal illness.
At times like this, surrender can be our best friend. One way to allow surrender is by developing a relationship with that higher power.
Set a daily time when you surrender to a higher power – God, divine – whatever you want to call it. In Vedic tradition, Lord Krishna is sometimes referred to as ‘Saketi’ or friend. I have found it useful and less dogmatic to think of a higher power this way – as a friend.
In your own way, commune with whatever you believe in. Some ways in which I communicate are -
Expression of gratitude: I often thank the divine for protecting and guiding me and my loved ones. I also imagine my family one by one and send them a prayer of healing, wellness, and happiness.
Surrender of emotions: If you feel called to break down and cry – shed a few tears; if you feel angry – punch a pillow; if you feel light and happy – let that smile settle on your face; if you feel defeated – surrender and share it with ‘Saketi’, your friend.
Conversations: I lay down my burdens for a few minutes and share what is on my mind and in my heart. Are you feeling loved and hopeful? Are you feeling heavy and foggy? Just lay it all out.
If you are unsure of your way of communicating, try listening to some sounds that help you center. Here are some of my favorites.
Whatever way you choose to surrender, every day – the most authentic version of you spends 15 min with a higher power. This higher power is your confidant and dear friend if you let them be.
2. Service:
Grief can be so encompassing and isolating that we can forget others have gone through it too. Even if the intensity and circumstances of our grief look different from that of others – we are not alone in grieving.
Offering our time to be of service to others is a great way to share our heart as it is in the process of ripping open. You will know when you are ready for this.
Bhagavad Gita – an old Indian poem that is revered as a holy book – provides guidance on leading a more fulfilled life. It emphasizes the importance of ‘dana’ (charity) and ‘seva’ (service) as important ingredients on the path of leading a more balanced life.
I have found this to be a useful compass as I navigate heavy emotions, such as grief.
My friend went through a terrible loss last year and opened her heart when it was hard to do so. She celebrated her birthday by making lasagna for economically challenged families and put her heart and soul into cooking and delivering it.
I recently started volunteering again at the American Cancer Society.
These are not selfless acts. In serving others, we often find our center.
3. Seeking help:
In Vedic tradition, 'Sangha' is a community of like minded individuals who share common values and look out for each other. When we are grieving, our way of relating to others might change. We might not feel as understood as before, even among your existing community of friends and loved ones. This is normal.
If you have friends that relate with you, allow them in. This might require you to consciously choose to be vulnerable and take off the mask of strength. You do not have to be happy and upbeat or worry about being a downer. It might feel awkward, but let yourself show your current frame of mind with authenticity.
If you’re not ready for this, consider getting professional help. Hire a therapist or spiritual coach and work through the mess of feelings you are going through. In this podcast I share how to hire a good therapist, as it can take time to find the right fit.
In my weekly therapy sessions, I can show up as me – I am not someone’s friend or wife or daughter. In that time, I give myself permission to make it all about me and let help in. With a competent therapist, you will find yourself falling into a more raw and real version of yourself. Being able to express that is a gift.
4. Rest:
Allow the ease and gentleness to come to you despite the loud noises of hustle culture. Listen to your body and rest. It is in these periods of rest that you will find strength and guidance.
These restful periods can be times of healing. The body is going through a lot emotionally, and its reserves might run low. Kick guilt in the ass and take that nap. If you have the resources, promote rest in the body by opting for holistic practices like acupuncture, abhyanga (ayurvedic massage) and breathwork. Many of these practices have the capacity to promote our sense of safety and relaxation.
Ayurvedic Consultations for Wellbeing
This was an unplanned post prompted by my current stage of grieving for a changing version of myself, changing friendships, and difficult changes with loved ones. I started the morning in silent surrender and broke down into tears. A nagging voice in my head told me to ‘get it together’. It was at that moment I realized how sometimes we can get in our own way of healing from grief.
As I navigate changes in my life that are stirring up gratitude and grief in equal measure, I am diving deeper into the ancient wisdom of Ayurveda. Currently, I am interning with the CA College of Ayurveda and offering consultations. The process has been close to my heart and if you are interested in exploring a consultation with me, schedule a discovery call here or contact me through my website.
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