At this time in my life, I’m undergoing a sort of metamorphosis. As I stumble and learn, I want to share some insights that might resonate with those of us who struggle to set boundaries.
The holiday season is upon us. While the media paints this as a time of hustle, bustle, and festivities, for some, it can feel like a pressure cooker. For instance, I lost my dad this past June. An older version of me would have plastered on a smile and carried on. But this more authentic version of me? She wants to spend time quietly, in private, cherishing his memory. No hustle. No bustle.
That decision—choosing to honor my needs—required setting boundaries. And let me tell you, it’s uncomfortable. But it feels as real and true as my own skin. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way:
People-Pleasing Is the Root
For years, I prided myself on not being a people-pleaser. I even announced it to the world, basking in a self-important glow, convinced I’d risen above this "common" struggle.
Spoiler alert: I hadn’t. It turns out, I absolutely am a people-pleaser. Saying no, especially to people older than me (a very Indian cultural dynamic), to those I love, or to people in authority? That’s hard.
Recognizing people-pleasing as the root of my boundary struggles was a breakthrough. Acceptance is step one because you can’t transform what you don’t acknowledge.
Embrace Ambiguity
Setting boundaries will mess with your mind. There are unspoken social rules, relationship dynamics, and expectations that make the process murky.
It’s okay to feel confused as you navigate this. Embrace the ambiguity—it’s part of the process.
Deprogram Old Beliefs
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that life is all about compromise. While I agree that collaboration often requires give-and-take, I strongly disagree with the belief that we should compromise our well-being to fit into roles or meet expectations.
Ask yourself:
What’s stopping me from saying no?
Who am I trying not to upset?
What outdated beliefs am I holding onto?
The generation before us often prioritized compromise at the expense of their peace. We don’t have many role models for prioritizing our well-being. It’s scary to be a trailblazer in this area, but it’s necessary.
Honor Your Season
This is your guiding light in the chaos. Ask yourself: What matters most to me in this season of life?
I emphasize season because we are ever-evolving. For example, in December 2021, I was bursting with extroverted energy. I wanted to date, socialize, and meet new people, and I carved out time to honor that.
Now, I’m in a season of introversion, nurturing, and healing. If I don’t honor this current phase, I will suffer mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Honor your season. It’s the key to setting boundaries that feel aligned.
Prioritize Your Boundaries
While independence and authenticity are important, we also live in a social world. Setting boundaries with everyone and everything can feel like declaring war on your relationships. Instead, be strategic.
Choose 2–3 areas that matter most to you right now. Set boundaries that feel slightly uncomfortable—but not panic-inducing—and stick to them. Think of this as your practice ground. Change is uncomfortable, but it’s how we grow.
Heal the Wounded Parts
No matter how many boundaries you set, if you don’t address the parts of yourself that cling to people-pleasing, you’ll struggle.
When setting a boundary brings up hot emotions—anger, pain, or the urge to cry or run—that’s a clue. It’s more than discomfort; it’s a wound asking for your attention.
The next time you want to say no but find yourself saying yes, ask:
What’s hurting here?
How old is this wound?
Where do I feel it in my body?
You may not get immediate answers, but the act of inquiry begins the healing process. I truly believe our life’s mission is to see and heal these parts so we can step into our authentic selves.
Closing Thoughts
As we step into this holiday season, I invite you to have an honest conversation with yourself:
Where am I being called to set boundaries but avoiding it?
With the curiosity of a child, explore this area. Maybe this season, you’ll set one boundary that helps you feel proud, confident, and a little closer to your transformation.
Note: all images are from Pixabay (royalty free). The content of this post is not meant to be a substitute for support from your medical team. These are my own opinions.
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