Relationship Pitfalls: 5 Things to Stop Doing Now

Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist. This post is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional help. For personalized support, please consult a licensed mental health professional or couple’s therapist.

Relationships are complicated. Even the most loving, committed partnerships have their ups and downs. And while some challenges are obvious, others sneak in quietly, wearing down connection over time. This post highlights five everyday habits to avoid – small but powerful things that can silently damage your bond.

1. Ultimatums

These can sound like: “If you don’t do X, we can’t work,” or “If you don’t get Y by a certain time, we can’t work.” Basically, anything that boils down to: “If [condition], then the relationship won’t work.”

Often, these don’t come from a place of manipulation, but from desperation. Our inner wounded child feels like they’ve tried everything to express their needs and hurt, and the ultimatum comes out as a last resort.

It’s natural to feel like there’s no middle ground or room for discussion in certain situations. But voicing these concerns with the help of a licensed couples therapist – where both of you feel safe – can be far more constructive than blurting them out in the heat of the moment.

2. Prioritizing others over your partner

This one can be tricky. We all have lives, friends, and family before our relationship begins. But a new union is fragile. It is not bound by blood, shared history, or genetics. On top of that, this is the one adult you’re likely to spend the most time with, which means more opportunities for differences.

Prioritizing your partner doesn’t mean agreeing with them on everything or spending all your time together. It means making intentional space to listen without defensiveness, being willing to adapt as you build a shared life, and rethinking old family patterns so you can decide together what fits your values as a couple.

This becomes even more critical if one side of the family is more heavily involved or tends to dominate your shared life, as it can unintentionally make your partner feel like an outsider.

Your partner needs to feel like you’re a team. Sometimes that means putting their needs first. And when prioritizing them starts to feel forced or heavy, that’s your cue to have an honest conversation and find a new balance.

3. Criticizing in front of others

I’ve sat across from couples who take digs at each other. Sometimes it’s in jest, and the energy is light –  but sometimes, there’s a deeper thread of resentment.

If you notice you or your partner making a habit of criticizing each other publicly, or poking fun at their personality, it’s worth pausing to ask: What is this dynamic hiding or feeding? Is it resentment that needs to be aired? Are you repeating something you saw in your parents’ relationship?

We’re here to build each other up, not tear each other down. Humor and playfulness are wonderful, but it’s worth finding ways to bring lightness without making each other the punchline.

4. Dismissing little joys

It’s easy to underestimate how much our response to everyday excitement matters – like when your partner shares a funny meme, a random thought, or a small personal win.

Shelly Gable’s research on active-constructive responding shows that couples who respond enthusiastically to each other’s “good news,” even when it’s small, build more trust, intimacy, and resilience over time. On the flip side, shrugging it off with “That’s nice” or not looking up from your phone might seem harmless, but repeated enough, it signals disinterest.

These “micro-disappointments” can quietly erode connection. Treat your partner’s joys as invitations to connect: make eye contact, smile, ask follow-up questions. Little moments add up.

5. Using absolute terms in arguments

We all fall into the trap of saying “You never…” or “You always…” during conflict. These phrases paint your partner’s behavior in broad, usually negative strokes, leaving little room to acknowledge change.

It’s discouraging to hear an absolute statement when you’re making an effort to grow. These words also tend to trigger defensiveness because they attack a person’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior.

Instead, try describing the particular moment or action you want to address. It keeps the focus on the issue at hand – and makes it far easier to find common ground.

Wrapping up

No relationship is perfect, but awareness of these small pitfalls can help you build a stronger, more loving connection every day. I encourage you to do some introspective journaling:

• What’s one of these habits you’ve noticed in yourself?

• What’s one you want to work on with your partner? Sometimes just naming these patterns is the first step toward lasting change.